Fight for the Heart

I recently heard a sermon by Carey Nieuwhof, the pastor of Connexus Community Church that really spoke to me. At Connexus, they are going through a series titled "Orange Families," discussing principles to help parents win at home and embrace their role as the spiritual leaders of their kids. I want to share some of his insights with you.

When asked to reveal the greatest commandment, Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Of all the laws and rules in the Old Testament, the two that Jesus pointed out as the most important were centered around relationships: relationship with God and relationships with people. There is nothing more important. Yet we find a certain comfort in rules. It's nice to have a checklist, even if it's impossible to keep, because then we have a standard to judge ourselves (and each other) by.

I think this is how many of us approach parenting. Rules help us judge how well our kids and we as parents are doing. But we have to be careful to not let rules win out over relationship. Sometimes, we become so focused on making sure our kids are staying in line (and this applies to parents of kids of all ages) that we can lose touch of their hearts. We want to control our kids because most of the time we know what's best and what decisions they should make. One thing Carey said that really stuck was that at the end of the day, all we're left with as parents is influence. We cannot control our kids forever. If we try, then we'll eventually lose the influence we have and be left with nothing. The goal is to stop fighting with your family (including your teenager) and start fighting for them. Accomplishing this can be tough, so I included some of Carey's insights from his message.

1. Break the pattern - It starts with me. I have to be the one that starts fighting for my family. Even when my daughter has gotten on my last nerve because she just wont take a nap, I need take a deep breath and not lose my cool. My relationship with her is more important than her getting a long nap that day.
2. Start spending quality, unstructured time with your kids - This one really got to me. Often, the only communication we have with our kids is in the context of discipline. We're so busy with our lives that when we do talk to our kids it's to correct them. It may not be much over the course of a day, but after a week/month/year of this, it really adds up. The key is to create a rhythm for your family, and build in those regular times to just be together as a family. In the car on the way to school, at bed time, during a meal, or a family movie night; there are a lot of ways this can look, we just need to make it a priority.
3. Prioritize relationship over rules - As in our walk with God, when the relationship is strong, the rules will fall into place. This is not to say that rules are not important, just that they should be there to bring kids into closer relationship with you, not push them away.

And there you have it. So what are your thoughts? How do you think we can make sure that rules don't win out over relationship? What does or would this look like at your house? Or, am I just off my rocker and it really is all about rules? Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Blessings!

Dustin

The ranting of a visionary in training

I am so pumped. I just had a chance to see East Hill put on their Family Production they do once a month. It's a family service designed to get kids and parents in the same room, learning the same stuff. This instantly gets parents on board with what their kids are learning at church and gives them common point of reference for the next month. Implementing something like this has been a big dream of mine for the last couple of years. We've done a couple of Family Productions (the ones on Halloween and New Years). The response was good, but for whatever reason I've doubted whether this was the direction we should go. Part of it is I've felt like a "lone wolf" going after this idea without the support of other leaders (though this is more in my mind than reality). I think the other part is knowing what it could be and that we're just not there yet. But I still love the idea. And tonight, some other people on our leadership team had a chance to see what I've been shooting for. They are all very pumped as well.

I think what has really made it difficult is knowing that this is a small part of the big vision that God has given me. I see our church as a place for parents to be resourced and encouraged as the spiritual leaders of their families. To put it plainly, what happens at home is more important than what happens at church. These family productions serve one of many potential ways that families can jump on board with a plan to disciple their kids.

It's been very affirming to be around a group of leaders (up here at Connections, a children's ministry conference) that are ALL feeling this same call to minister to families, not just kids. The problem is, I think I'm the only one that understands this at our church (at least, that's how it feels). We have a huge focus on raising up young leaders, which is incredible. I think there are so many gifted and called young leaders out there that just need to be given the chance to get their hands in there and make ministry happen. And most of the time they do a better job than what's already in place (though a little messier). However, we're missing a huge piece of the puzzle if we're not training the parents of our church to be the leaders of their families.

I think the hardest part of this is knowing I cannot speak into the lives of these parents from my position as childen's pastor. Sure, I can work to build myself a little kingdom of parents that I can partner with (and I'm actually planning on something along those lines) but I can't help but think that's counter to how churches should operate. It just doesn't make sense to me. When you have a group of very talented and dynamic leaders all trying to build their little kingdoms, you end up with a collection of departments and conflicting systems. Families are pulled in a dozen different directions as leaders try to vie for their mental and spiritual bandwidth. In the end we end up more compartmentalized then ever.

It's just tough. I don't know the direction I should go. If I go after what I feel like God is doing without partnering with the other leaders, then I'm working counter to my purpose. But if I don't go after it, I'm afraid it's going to fade into obscurity, and I'm being disobedient to what God has put on my heart. I hope I'm not sounding discontent. I am so blessed to be in a church with such health, and to be under such incredible leadership (Ron Swor is the most amazing leader I know). That almost makes it harder, though. What business does this kid have messing with what's working? But I can't ignore what God has put on my heart. *sigh* Thanks for listening to my little rant. Please, I need your thoughts and comments on this one. What has God been putting on your heart? What's the vision that He's given your family?

Hat's off to the man of the hour

I've really been wrestling over the last few days what to write about in this week's blog. I know that the idea is to just write whatever's on my mind, but there's often so many things that it would just be a discombobulated (spelled that right on the first try :D ) mess. Plus, I want this blog to be more than the random thoughts of an eighth year college student (and that's for a bachelor's). Though, I'm afraid for at least this post that's what you're getting. By the way, I love all the comments I've been getting, both on Facebook and in person. This has been a really incredible way to connect with all of you, so please, keep the thoughts, questions, comments and snide remarks coming!

First of all, I cannot post a blog today without mentioning one of the best people I've ever had the privilege of knowing, Jesse Abraham Bogue. It's not really my place to write a lot about him. I'll just say that he was born 20 years ago today and is dearly missed by friends and family. I was blessed enough to hang out and laugh with some of them tonight. Especially on a day like to day I am reminded of just how important these times are. Thanks again, Jess, for reminding me of that.

You know, I had some other things I wanted to talk about today, but after spending some time thinking about Jess, I think I'm done. The other stuff I was going to write about just seems...trivial. I'll still leave you with a question, though. Over the few months prior to Jess's passing, I didn't really see or spend time with him. I think the last real interaction I had with him was at the 76 in Canby where he stopped and talked with me as I was filling up and he just happened to be walking by. I can't help but feel sad and a little guilty because of this. How could I let my friendship with one of the most amazing people I know become so casual? I think it's sad that the reason why I know what's going on with most of you is because of your Facebook status, rather than sitting down and talking to you. My question is how can we keep from letting most of our friendships slip into obscurity? (I know we can't be close friends with everyone, but surely I can do a better job maintaining relationships than I do) And if you want to go a little deeper (and get a little personal), are there any past friendships that you "mourn" because you haven't maintained it? Thanks again everyone for your comments. Remember, you can comment here or on Facebook. Also, if you just can't get enough "what's Dustin up to" then you can follow me on Twitter :)

Blessings everyone!
Dustin

Partnering with Parents

Okay, so it's been a week since I've updated, and for that I'm sorry. It's still my goal to post 2 - 3 times a week, but circumstances prevented me from keeping up this week. I'll try to do better in the future. Part of the challenge is deciding what to write about. I've had a lot of things going through my mind this week, including how to deal with ever-growing responsibilities. I'm not going to get into that now, but I'd just like to say how much I admire people that can juggle tons of responsibilities and pull them off relatively well. Hats off to you CEO's and moms!

But on to the topic of this post. The other day I ran across an article from Children's Ministry Magazine. You can check it out here. In this article, Group (the publisher of the magazine and a lot of curriculum material) gives their summary of the "State of Family Ministry." They talked to parents and church leaders alike to see what they felt was the most effective ways for churches to partner with parents in raising their kids spiritually. There are some surprising (to me, at least) figures in there and it got me thinking about my ministry.

You see, over the past couple of years, I've felt God shifting the focus of my ministry from just ministering to kids to ministering to kids and parents. Perhaps a better way to put it would be that I felt the most effective way to minister to kids was to partner with the parents in their God-given role as the spiritual leaders of their kids. What I came to realize is that my influence in the lives of the kids that I see every week is very minimal. Sure, I think I do a great job teaching these kids, doing everything possible to make the lessons memorable and impactful. But, like I tell the kids, the real living for Jesus doesn't happen at church. It happens when their at school, soccer practice and most importantly, home. I'm sure most parents and educators can agree with the fact that a 30 minute lesson on Sunday does little to help with a problem on Friday. The most effective learning happens in those "teachable moments" when kids get to instantly apply what they're learning. This is especially true for elementary age and younger, though certainly still applies for teenagers and even adults!

When it comes down to it, I'm not there to help the kids in my class process the daily life lessons. I can't guide them through how to love their enemy when they're nursing a black eye. I can't remind them to treat others how you'd want to be treated while they're beating up on their little brother. That's the unique role of the parent (and as a parent, I can appreciate the variety of teachable moments that kids give you throughout the day). When I realized this, I knew the best way for me to minister to kids was to partner with parents.

And that's where you come in, oh reader. For the past two years I've been trying to figure out how to partner with parents. There are a number of changes I've made to how we used to do things (I won't go into that right now, partly because it'd ruin the question I have for you). And there's a lot more ideas I'm kicking around. So my question to you is this: how do you think church leaders can best partner with parents to raise their kids spiritually? You don't have to be a parent to answer, though I'm hoping to get lots of parental input (especially from ones that have kids in my class). To help you get the thought juices flowing, read the CMM article. It suggests that great classes and take-home materials is all that parents need or want, but I'm not so sure about this. Please post your thoughts by commenting, either here or on my facebook. Or you can email me. Thank you everyone for reading this. I'm very blessed to get to have a forum to communicate my heart and thoughts. Blessings!

Dustin Brown
twitter.com/dbrown9

The Authorized Dustin Brown Blog

Well, I'm taking the plunge. I've decided to start my very own blog. To be honest, I'm rather excited about the prospects of having a blog. There's a couple of blogs that I follow and find interesting. I'm not sure if this is going to go anywhere, but I guess we'll see.

I suppose the main reason for me starting a blog is the writing class I'm in. Nearly 8 years after graduating from high school, I am still finishing up my general ed. classes at Clackamas Community College. This term I'm having my second go at Writing 123, The Research Paper (insert dramatic music here). I've never been very good at writing classes. One of the hardest things has been finding a topic I can enjoy while not having to give up life for 10 weeks just to do it justice. Like I said above, I've had a growing fascination with blogs, why people have them and what their purpose is. It seemed like a natural fit for me to write a paper on blogging. It's just the right balance between being interesting and manageable. I can do this topic justice and I think my instructor will like it (always a plus!).

So as part of my "research" for this class, I thought it only fair to start my own blog. I'm not totally sure what this will turn into. Maybe I'll just be posting my thoughts for the day, or have some deep thoughts about family or theology. My goal is to post at least 2-3 times a week. One thing I always want to include is a question. I want to engage with you and get your feedback on what I'm thinking/feeling/writing. If you're reading this blog, thank you. I know you have more important things to do, so I really appreciate you listening to the a often scattered thoughts of a grown up ADD kid. Please feel free to post your questions/comments/snide remarks (I'm talking to you Ben!).

So for this weeks question, I'd like to know your thoughts on blogging. Do you have or follow any blogs? If so, what do you get out of it? If not, why? Looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks everyone, talk to you soon.

Dustin

Oh, and let me take this time to pimp my twitter: dbrown9