Fight for the Heart

I recently heard a sermon by Carey Nieuwhof, the pastor of Connexus Community Church that really spoke to me. At Connexus, they are going through a series titled "Orange Families," discussing principles to help parents win at home and embrace their role as the spiritual leaders of their kids. I want to share some of his insights with you.

When asked to reveal the greatest commandment, Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Of all the laws and rules in the Old Testament, the two that Jesus pointed out as the most important were centered around relationships: relationship with God and relationships with people. There is nothing more important. Yet we find a certain comfort in rules. It's nice to have a checklist, even if it's impossible to keep, because then we have a standard to judge ourselves (and each other) by.

I think this is how many of us approach parenting. Rules help us judge how well our kids and we as parents are doing. But we have to be careful to not let rules win out over relationship. Sometimes, we become so focused on making sure our kids are staying in line (and this applies to parents of kids of all ages) that we can lose touch of their hearts. We want to control our kids because most of the time we know what's best and what decisions they should make. One thing Carey said that really stuck was that at the end of the day, all we're left with as parents is influence. We cannot control our kids forever. If we try, then we'll eventually lose the influence we have and be left with nothing. The goal is to stop fighting with your family (including your teenager) and start fighting for them. Accomplishing this can be tough, so I included some of Carey's insights from his message.

1. Break the pattern - It starts with me. I have to be the one that starts fighting for my family. Even when my daughter has gotten on my last nerve because she just wont take a nap, I need take a deep breath and not lose my cool. My relationship with her is more important than her getting a long nap that day.
2. Start spending quality, unstructured time with your kids - This one really got to me. Often, the only communication we have with our kids is in the context of discipline. We're so busy with our lives that when we do talk to our kids it's to correct them. It may not be much over the course of a day, but after a week/month/year of this, it really adds up. The key is to create a rhythm for your family, and build in those regular times to just be together as a family. In the car on the way to school, at bed time, during a meal, or a family movie night; there are a lot of ways this can look, we just need to make it a priority.
3. Prioritize relationship over rules - As in our walk with God, when the relationship is strong, the rules will fall into place. This is not to say that rules are not important, just that they should be there to bring kids into closer relationship with you, not push them away.

And there you have it. So what are your thoughts? How do you think we can make sure that rules don't win out over relationship? What does or would this look like at your house? Or, am I just off my rocker and it really is all about rules? Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Blessings!

Dustin