When asked to reveal the greatest commandment, Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Of all the laws and rules in the Old Testament, the two that Jesus pointed out as the most important were centered around relationships: relationship with God and relationships with people. There is nothing more important. Yet we find a certain comfort in rules. It's nice to have a checklist, even if it's impossible to keep, because then we have a standard to judge ourselves (and each other) by.
I think this is how many of us approach parenting. Rules help us judge how well our kids and we as parents are doing. But we have to be careful to not let rules win out over relationship. Sometimes, we become so focused on making sure our kids are staying in line (and this applies to parents of kids of all ages) that we can lose touch of their hearts. We want to control our kids because most of the time we know what's best and what decisions they should make. One thing Carey said that really stuck was that at the end of the day, all we're left with as parents is influence. We cannot control our kids forever. If we try, then we'll eventually lose the influence we have and be left with nothing. The goal is to stop fighting with your family (including your teenager) and start fighting for them. Accomplishing this can be tough, so I included some of Carey's insights from his message.
- Break the pattern - It starts with me. I have to be the one that starts fighting for my family. Even when my daughter has gotten on my last nerve because she just wont take a nap, I need take a deep breath and not lose my cool. My relationship with her is more important than her getting a long nap that day.
- Start spending quality, unstructured time with your kids - This one really got to me. Often, the only communication we have with our kids is in the context of discipline. We're so busy with our lives that when we do talk to our kids it's to correct them. It may not be much over the course of a day, but after a week/month/year of this, it really adds up. The key is to create a rhythm for your family, and build in those regular times to just be together as a family. In the car on the way to school, at bed time, during a meal, or a family movie night; there are a lot of ways this can look, we just need to make it a priority.
- Prioritize relationship over rules - As in our walk with God, when the relationship is strong, the rules will fall into place. This is not to say that rules are not important, just that they should be there to bring kids into closer relationship with you, not push them away.
Blessings!
Dustin
Dustin,
ReplyDeleteI think you made some very valid points. As a mom of two young kids I am continuously fighting with them about keeping their toys picked up. I have tried so many approaches, and found no solutions. Perhaps if I worked WITH my kids and talked with them, (versus at them) I would have better luck getting my point across. I also know it is my job as their mother to be a parent first, then a friend. Sure I would sometimes rather pass on the naps to stay a little longer doing a fun activity, but I know their sleep is important to them. I've learned to pick my battles wisely...is it really worth agruging over how they put their clothes away? I have my own checklists as a mom that I tend to follow, and not all lists are bad. No two kids are going to be raised the exact same way. I feel it's all about teaching them about Jesus' love and your love as a parent. Maybe that's why appliances come with owner mannuals, and kids don't :^)
Great insights Angela, thank you! I agree that we need to be parents first to our kids. I've seen way too many dysfunctional kids come out of situations where parents just wanted to be their friend. It's actually that parent relationship that I think we need to fight for. When our kids are young, it's important for us to exercise the control we have over their lives to keep them safe and make sure they're getting what they need. I think in a lot of ways, when I'm fighting to get my girls down for naps, I'm fighting FOR them, because I know what's best. Plus, at that age the relationship comes pretty naturally, as long as you're spending time with your kids; they don't hold too many grudges (thankfully).
ReplyDeleteI once heard someone say that we are the first Jesus that people see; we're the first Bible that people read. Our kids are going to get an idea of God's love for them by how we love them. With my girls being 1 & 3, I can tell them that Jesus loves them. We can even sing songs about how the Bible tells us this is true. But they will only KNOW that Jesus loves them by my wife and I walking that out and showing them every day. If you go check out the website where Carey's sermon is, I think he has a new one up about "Making it Personal." Kids need a real follower of Jesus to model their lives after, not someone who puts on a good face and pretends to be the perfect follower Jesus (which I know is how I often want to look in front of others). Anyway, just some thoughts. Thanks again for your comment Angela. My wife had a great time coming and hanging out with you guys the other day :)