Fight for the Heart

I recently heard a sermon by Carey Nieuwhof, the pastor of Connexus Community Church that really spoke to me. At Connexus, they are going through a series titled "Orange Families," discussing principles to help parents win at home and embrace their role as the spiritual leaders of their kids. I want to share some of his insights with you.

When asked to reveal the greatest commandment, Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Of all the laws and rules in the Old Testament, the two that Jesus pointed out as the most important were centered around relationships: relationship with God and relationships with people. There is nothing more important. Yet we find a certain comfort in rules. It's nice to have a checklist, even if it's impossible to keep, because then we have a standard to judge ourselves (and each other) by.

I think this is how many of us approach parenting. Rules help us judge how well our kids and we as parents are doing. But we have to be careful to not let rules win out over relationship. Sometimes, we become so focused on making sure our kids are staying in line (and this applies to parents of kids of all ages) that we can lose touch of their hearts. We want to control our kids because most of the time we know what's best and what decisions they should make. One thing Carey said that really stuck was that at the end of the day, all we're left with as parents is influence. We cannot control our kids forever. If we try, then we'll eventually lose the influence we have and be left with nothing. The goal is to stop fighting with your family (including your teenager) and start fighting for them. Accomplishing this can be tough, so I included some of Carey's insights from his message.

1. Break the pattern - It starts with me. I have to be the one that starts fighting for my family. Even when my daughter has gotten on my last nerve because she just wont take a nap, I need take a deep breath and not lose my cool. My relationship with her is more important than her getting a long nap that day.
2. Start spending quality, unstructured time with your kids - This one really got to me. Often, the only communication we have with our kids is in the context of discipline. We're so busy with our lives that when we do talk to our kids it's to correct them. It may not be much over the course of a day, but after a week/month/year of this, it really adds up. The key is to create a rhythm for your family, and build in those regular times to just be together as a family. In the car on the way to school, at bed time, during a meal, or a family movie night; there are a lot of ways this can look, we just need to make it a priority.
3. Prioritize relationship over rules - As in our walk with God, when the relationship is strong, the rules will fall into place. This is not to say that rules are not important, just that they should be there to bring kids into closer relationship with you, not push them away.

And there you have it. So what are your thoughts? How do you think we can make sure that rules don't win out over relationship? What does or would this look like at your house? Or, am I just off my rocker and it really is all about rules? Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Blessings!

Dustin

The ranting of a visionary in training

I am so pumped. I just had a chance to see East Hill put on their Family Production they do once a month. It's a family service designed to get kids and parents in the same room, learning the same stuff. This instantly gets parents on board with what their kids are learning at church and gives them common point of reference for the next month. Implementing something like this has been a big dream of mine for the last couple of years. We've done a couple of Family Productions (the ones on Halloween and New Years). The response was good, but for whatever reason I've doubted whether this was the direction we should go. Part of it is I've felt like a "lone wolf" going after this idea without the support of other leaders (though this is more in my mind than reality). I think the other part is knowing what it could be and that we're just not there yet. But I still love the idea. And tonight, some other people on our leadership team had a chance to see what I've been shooting for. They are all very pumped as well.

I think what has really made it difficult is knowing that this is a small part of the big vision that God has given me. I see our church as a place for parents to be resourced and encouraged as the spiritual leaders of their families. To put it plainly, what happens at home is more important than what happens at church. These family productions serve one of many potential ways that families can jump on board with a plan to disciple their kids.

It's been very affirming to be around a group of leaders (up here at Connections, a children's ministry conference) that are ALL feeling this same call to minister to families, not just kids. The problem is, I think I'm the only one that understands this at our church (at least, that's how it feels). We have a huge focus on raising up young leaders, which is incredible. I think there are so many gifted and called young leaders out there that just need to be given the chance to get their hands in there and make ministry happen. And most of the time they do a better job than what's already in place (though a little messier). However, we're missing a huge piece of the puzzle if we're not training the parents of our church to be the leaders of their families.

I think the hardest part of this is knowing I cannot speak into the lives of these parents from my position as childen's pastor. Sure, I can work to build myself a little kingdom of parents that I can partner with (and I'm actually planning on something along those lines) but I can't help but think that's counter to how churches should operate. It just doesn't make sense to me. When you have a group of very talented and dynamic leaders all trying to build their little kingdoms, you end up with a collection of departments and conflicting systems. Families are pulled in a dozen different directions as leaders try to vie for their mental and spiritual bandwidth. In the end we end up more compartmentalized then ever.

It's just tough. I don't know the direction I should go. If I go after what I feel like God is doing without partnering with the other leaders, then I'm working counter to my purpose. But if I don't go after it, I'm afraid it's going to fade into obscurity, and I'm being disobedient to what God has put on my heart. I hope I'm not sounding discontent. I am so blessed to be in a church with such health, and to be under such incredible leadership (Ron Swor is the most amazing leader I know). That almost makes it harder, though. What business does this kid have messing with what's working? But I can't ignore what God has put on my heart. *sigh* Thanks for listening to my little rant. Please, I need your thoughts and comments on this one. What has God been putting on your heart? What's the vision that He's given your family?